It has been a while so I wanted to give everyone an update. I am happy to report that John and I successfully tried InVitro in March with the help of beautiful donor eggs but miscarried early on. The tough part is not knowing why but we are glad it worked and will try again in a few months. This post is not to share all the gory details, it is still a little raw.
The rest of this is going to be my observations on being childless as an adult and infertile. I think I may rant a bit but I am feeling emotional as I really thought that I would also celebrate Mother's Day this year. Also, since it is so hard to try InVitro quietly I have feel (probably wrongly so) that I am treated differently more this year but I think that it is something that has naturally happened.
Before I get into how relationships have changed for me, I am amazed that there are so few who struggle with this. Seriously-start by thinking a bit about the people you know who are childless? If you are like me I bet it's not many. I was in a meeting at work the other day with about 20 people. I was the only woman who is not mother and the only other childless person was my coworker who says he is happy to be an uncle and does not want to be a dad, however, his partner would like to be. 10% childless both by circumstance. Now our demographics are all over 30 so there will naturally be people younger who have a much higher percentage (thankfully so ;)) but even when I look outside of my work group, my neighborhood for example, that I know of there is only one other house without children and he is a single man. My friends? All parents except for those that are single or in same sex relationships. My percentage of adults without children is getting lower and when you remove those that are single, its not even at 5%. That is what I mean by an amazingly low struggle.
So what is Mother's Day or Father's Day to those that want to be parents? I hear stories about women who lock themselves away for a week and can't believe how unfair it is that the childless are not considered. I don't agree with that. I think it's a deserving holiday that, by my math, 95% of the people in my life deserve and celebrate. Plus I have nieces, nephews and of course a mom so I still get to celebrate. Just because I am not a mom now, I don't want to be excluded necessarily but as I look back I think that is exactly what happened. I also know that I share the blame.
Here is what happens now with all the people in our lives that have children. I feel like people don't know how to talk to me. I think they are afraid they will make me uncomfortable and yes there have been times that I have been sad or jealous about a funny 'what my kid did story' but I really do try to move on from that. Part of how I share the blame is that I have been pretty open about my infertility. I knew in my mid 20's I would not have kids without InVitro so it was normal to me to talk about. Additionally, it is hard to go through something all consuming without talking about it and you know what? It SUCKS. People feel empathy and are being sincere and overly cautious about not wanting to hurt my feelings because they are good people and are incredibly thoughtful, even so I am starting to feel alienated a bit by 'parents'.
I think there are a few reasons, the first one is that working parents with kids don't have time to socialize and when they do, rightly so, they want to have their kids with them. I promise, am not judging, I know I will be the same way but this means we get invited to their kids birthday parties because their kids friends bring their parents and it becomes their adult time but when you don't have kids, it's weird. There is no other way around it. When we get to the party we are either left out because we are not also entertaining kids, have no relatable stories or because we are not relatable anymore. Then, we stop going. Then, we stop getting invited. I don't think there is anything that can be done differently but I would like to explain that I am not declining because I am not interested but because honestly, kids birthday parties are fun with kids and when you don't have kids, it's not. It's not that it is hurtful or painful and you are not being rude by inviting or not inviting us but I do work full time, both of us do so if we have the choice, we are going to do something other than a kids birthday party :) I promise, we love your kids and would have fun for about 15 minutes before it just is 'weird'.
I guess I think there is no way for parents not to alienate non parents and even harder when you no someone who is infertile but since there are so few of us, let's figure out a way to carry on normal relationships. It's okay if we talk about your kids as long as it's okay if I talk about my latest round of hormone shots or procedures :)
To all the people in my life that are mom's I hope you have a wonderful weekend! I fully plan on taking advantage when I get to celebrate the day as my own Holiday. Also, I am sorry if I made it hard to relate to me. Not only is this hard for me not to talk about, I have been more hormonal this year but let's just try and move on. If I should cry, I am sorry but please don't stop sharing with me. I love your kids and your stories.
Thank you!
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