Hey There, I know it has been a while and I have been receiving a lot of messages and well wishes from people who know everything that is going on and those that only know pieces so I figured it is time for a fowl swoop update. Not that I mind, but it is also easier this way then going through everything that has happened since our miscarriage in March.
Since then, we tried IVF again, unsuccessfully. After lots of painful testing, procedures and hoping beyond hope, I will not be able to carry a baby. We don't exactly know why, and have no more embryos left anyway from our donor so we are excited to start the adoption process. Since I can't carry, we scheduled a hysterectomy for December. My body, misbehaving like it does, decided that December was too far away and we ended up needing to get it done on November 22nd. For those of you good at math, (and IVF pregnancies) that is the same week that our baby would have been due. I swear, somewhere there is a funny story in that but I have not been able to find it yet.
We (mainly me) need some time to recover though so 2014 will be spent investigating agencies, saving and having fun. The last few years have been pretty stressful as you can imagine so we just want to enjoy ourselves and be ready physically, emotionally and financially for a baby. I am really looking forward to 2014. I'll be going back to work January 3rd, our Bronco's are doing great and I have the most amazing group of friends and family who have been helping me through this.
Adoption is actually exciting to think about and I know John and I will be great candidates (well, I think so anyway ;)) It is a great feeling to think we could be chosen by someone because they think we will do a good job. Having a stranger trust us that much, is not a gift we take lightly. Perhaps we had to go through this special hell, that only other IF's can relate too, so we can be that much more appreciative of our baby when it does come. While I may have come to terms physically that I can't carry a baby, it still hurts so I am thankful to have time off, especially during the holidays, to mentally come to terms with it. I actually think I am doing okay, although, call me on the wrong day and I could spend 20 minutes complaining about how people without children clearly have no space in the commercial world. Just turn on daytime TV, which I have decidedly stopped watching. Except for Ellen, she is amazing!
I still want to hear what is going on with your children and enjoy hearing about the latest shenanigans so don't keep me in the dark, however, you will have to forgive me if I roll my eyes while you complain about your pregnancy/kids/etc. Hopefully within the next couple years, I will be the one wearing you out with pictures and every one of you will need to remind me of this post when I complain about how tired I am and how hard being a parent is. Much love to you all, have a wonderful Holiday!
Cheers, Mary Beth
Monday, December 9, 2013
Saturday, May 11, 2013
Don't forget your infertile friends on Mother's Day
It has been a while so I wanted to give everyone an update. I am happy to report that John and I successfully tried InVitro in March with the help of beautiful donor eggs but miscarried early on. The tough part is not knowing why but we are glad it worked and will try again in a few months. This post is not to share all the gory details, it is still a little raw.
The rest of this is going to be my observations on being childless as an adult and infertile. I think I may rant a bit but I am feeling emotional as I really thought that I would also celebrate Mother's Day this year. Also, since it is so hard to try InVitro quietly I have feel (probably wrongly so) that I am treated differently more this year but I think that it is something that has naturally happened.
Before I get into how relationships have changed for me, I am amazed that there are so few who struggle with this. Seriously-start by thinking a bit about the people you know who are childless? If you are like me I bet it's not many. I was in a meeting at work the other day with about 20 people. I was the only woman who is not mother and the only other childless person was my coworker who says he is happy to be an uncle and does not want to be a dad, however, his partner would like to be. 10% childless both by circumstance. Now our demographics are all over 30 so there will naturally be people younger who have a much higher percentage (thankfully so ;)) but even when I look outside of my work group, my neighborhood for example, that I know of there is only one other house without children and he is a single man. My friends? All parents except for those that are single or in same sex relationships. My percentage of adults without children is getting lower and when you remove those that are single, its not even at 5%. That is what I mean by an amazingly low struggle.
So what is Mother's Day or Father's Day to those that want to be parents? I hear stories about women who lock themselves away for a week and can't believe how unfair it is that the childless are not considered. I don't agree with that. I think it's a deserving holiday that, by my math, 95% of the people in my life deserve and celebrate. Plus I have nieces, nephews and of course a mom so I still get to celebrate. Just because I am not a mom now, I don't want to be excluded necessarily but as I look back I think that is exactly what happened. I also know that I share the blame.
Here is what happens now with all the people in our lives that have children. I feel like people don't know how to talk to me. I think they are afraid they will make me uncomfortable and yes there have been times that I have been sad or jealous about a funny 'what my kid did story' but I really do try to move on from that. Part of how I share the blame is that I have been pretty open about my infertility. I knew in my mid 20's I would not have kids without InVitro so it was normal to me to talk about. Additionally, it is hard to go through something all consuming without talking about it and you know what? It SUCKS. People feel empathy and are being sincere and overly cautious about not wanting to hurt my feelings because they are good people and are incredibly thoughtful, even so I am starting to feel alienated a bit by 'parents'.
I think there are a few reasons, the first one is that working parents with kids don't have time to socialize and when they do, rightly so, they want to have their kids with them. I promise, am not judging, I know I will be the same way but this means we get invited to their kids birthday parties because their kids friends bring their parents and it becomes their adult time but when you don't have kids, it's weird. There is no other way around it. When we get to the party we are either left out because we are not also entertaining kids, have no relatable stories or because we are not relatable anymore. Then, we stop going. Then, we stop getting invited. I don't think there is anything that can be done differently but I would like to explain that I am not declining because I am not interested but because honestly, kids birthday parties are fun with kids and when you don't have kids, it's not. It's not that it is hurtful or painful and you are not being rude by inviting or not inviting us but I do work full time, both of us do so if we have the choice, we are going to do something other than a kids birthday party :) I promise, we love your kids and would have fun for about 15 minutes before it just is 'weird'.
I guess I think there is no way for parents not to alienate non parents and even harder when you no someone who is infertile but since there are so few of us, let's figure out a way to carry on normal relationships. It's okay if we talk about your kids as long as it's okay if I talk about my latest round of hormone shots or procedures :)
To all the people in my life that are mom's I hope you have a wonderful weekend! I fully plan on taking advantage when I get to celebrate the day as my own Holiday. Also, I am sorry if I made it hard to relate to me. Not only is this hard for me not to talk about, I have been more hormonal this year but let's just try and move on. If I should cry, I am sorry but please don't stop sharing with me. I love your kids and your stories.
Thank you!
The rest of this is going to be my observations on being childless as an adult and infertile. I think I may rant a bit but I am feeling emotional as I really thought that I would also celebrate Mother's Day this year. Also, since it is so hard to try InVitro quietly I have feel (probably wrongly so) that I am treated differently more this year but I think that it is something that has naturally happened.
Before I get into how relationships have changed for me, I am amazed that there are so few who struggle with this. Seriously-start by thinking a bit about the people you know who are childless? If you are like me I bet it's not many. I was in a meeting at work the other day with about 20 people. I was the only woman who is not mother and the only other childless person was my coworker who says he is happy to be an uncle and does not want to be a dad, however, his partner would like to be. 10% childless both by circumstance. Now our demographics are all over 30 so there will naturally be people younger who have a much higher percentage (thankfully so ;)) but even when I look outside of my work group, my neighborhood for example, that I know of there is only one other house without children and he is a single man. My friends? All parents except for those that are single or in same sex relationships. My percentage of adults without children is getting lower and when you remove those that are single, its not even at 5%. That is what I mean by an amazingly low struggle.
So what is Mother's Day or Father's Day to those that want to be parents? I hear stories about women who lock themselves away for a week and can't believe how unfair it is that the childless are not considered. I don't agree with that. I think it's a deserving holiday that, by my math, 95% of the people in my life deserve and celebrate. Plus I have nieces, nephews and of course a mom so I still get to celebrate. Just because I am not a mom now, I don't want to be excluded necessarily but as I look back I think that is exactly what happened. I also know that I share the blame.
Here is what happens now with all the people in our lives that have children. I feel like people don't know how to talk to me. I think they are afraid they will make me uncomfortable and yes there have been times that I have been sad or jealous about a funny 'what my kid did story' but I really do try to move on from that. Part of how I share the blame is that I have been pretty open about my infertility. I knew in my mid 20's I would not have kids without InVitro so it was normal to me to talk about. Additionally, it is hard to go through something all consuming without talking about it and you know what? It SUCKS. People feel empathy and are being sincere and overly cautious about not wanting to hurt my feelings because they are good people and are incredibly thoughtful, even so I am starting to feel alienated a bit by 'parents'.
I think there are a few reasons, the first one is that working parents with kids don't have time to socialize and when they do, rightly so, they want to have their kids with them. I promise, am not judging, I know I will be the same way but this means we get invited to their kids birthday parties because their kids friends bring their parents and it becomes their adult time but when you don't have kids, it's weird. There is no other way around it. When we get to the party we are either left out because we are not also entertaining kids, have no relatable stories or because we are not relatable anymore. Then, we stop going. Then, we stop getting invited. I don't think there is anything that can be done differently but I would like to explain that I am not declining because I am not interested but because honestly, kids birthday parties are fun with kids and when you don't have kids, it's not. It's not that it is hurtful or painful and you are not being rude by inviting or not inviting us but I do work full time, both of us do so if we have the choice, we are going to do something other than a kids birthday party :) I promise, we love your kids and would have fun for about 15 minutes before it just is 'weird'.
I guess I think there is no way for parents not to alienate non parents and even harder when you no someone who is infertile but since there are so few of us, let's figure out a way to carry on normal relationships. It's okay if we talk about your kids as long as it's okay if I talk about my latest round of hormone shots or procedures :)
To all the people in my life that are mom's I hope you have a wonderful weekend! I fully plan on taking advantage when I get to celebrate the day as my own Holiday. Also, I am sorry if I made it hard to relate to me. Not only is this hard for me not to talk about, I have been more hormonal this year but let's just try and move on. If I should cry, I am sorry but please don't stop sharing with me. I love your kids and your stories.
Thank you!
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
September Update
I know it has been a while since I have written and I cannot believe how much positive support I have received. Thank you for all of the wonderful positive thoughts, I really appreciate it.
I had started this so I can get into a more positive place as I go through, what I hope to is, the final step to getting a baby.
I had planned for this to be an overview of all I had gone through, step by step. I started it that way but going through it all again was not painful, but not where I want to focus my energy on. If I wanted only to help others, I could continue with all the gory details but this is for me and I hope for those that are close to it provides understanding since sometimes I just don't want to or can't talk about it.
I got so much relief internally from writing this blog I decided to start again. Not surprisingly because I just took another hit, I feel, on my journey.
I started this in May after my 9th or 10th surgery total and my second in six months. It went amazing. I recovered well and all of my endometriosis was once again removed. Fortunately there was not much since I just had another surgery. Also, this was the ONLY surgery that took less time than originally predicted :) :) I cannot tell you how nice that was. Soon after, we started all of the grueling testing (they seemed never ending).
3 months ago I did a follicle test and blood work to check my AMH, FSH and follicle counts. They were as follows:
These did not really cause me any problems unless I took the morning doses all together. With them all together I had no brain function, wanted to sleep and was generally cranky. I quickly found a good solution and took one at a time so it felt some days like I was a pill popper...
I kept in touch with our Invitro counselor and we figured that the implantation would be November 22nd - November 28th. All we had to do was check to see the progress the 'hormones' made.
I had that appointment yesterday and got the results today. They are as follows:
I honestly cannot tell you why I am so upset at this but I was REALLY upset. To make things worse, I was at work when I got the call with all the results and since I was not expecting them for a week, it pretty much ruined my day. So sorry to my coworker who had the nerve to be decent and ask me how I was. Apparently that was enough to get the tears rolling and I was so embarrassed. Sorry JC.
Anyway, the next steps are to go back to the doctor and figure out why in the world the levels were so much worse this time and in the case of AMH, not improved at all. Thanks for letting me get this off my chest. I'll write more when I am not in such a blue mood. Please send happy thoughts my way. I realize that I am so so lucky and I am so appreciative for everything that I have, I don't mean to sound cranky, I am just frustrated, and broken apparently.
I had started this so I can get into a more positive place as I go through, what I hope to is, the final step to getting a baby.
I had planned for this to be an overview of all I had gone through, step by step. I started it that way but going through it all again was not painful, but not where I want to focus my energy on. If I wanted only to help others, I could continue with all the gory details but this is for me and I hope for those that are close to it provides understanding since sometimes I just don't want to or can't talk about it.
I got so much relief internally from writing this blog I decided to start again. Not surprisingly because I just took another hit, I feel, on my journey.
I started this in May after my 9th or 10th surgery total and my second in six months. It went amazing. I recovered well and all of my endometriosis was once again removed. Fortunately there was not much since I just had another surgery. Also, this was the ONLY surgery that took less time than originally predicted :) :) I cannot tell you how nice that was. Soon after, we started all of the grueling testing (they seemed never ending).
3 months ago I did a follicle test and blood work to check my AMH, FSH and follicle counts. They were as follows:
- Follicle count 8
- this is excellent as a good Invitro patient has 5 - 10 with two ovaries, since I only have one this was hopeful
- FSH - 14
- Good is 1 - 4 Mediocre is 4 - 12 Bad is 12+
- 2.5 years ago, my FSH was at 19 so again, while this is the bad end, again we have hope because it was lower
- AMH - below all measurable counts
- I think good is 1.25, clearly this was the worst but we have hope because the others were so good.
These did not really cause me any problems unless I took the morning doses all together. With them all together I had no brain function, wanted to sleep and was generally cranky. I quickly found a good solution and took one at a time so it felt some days like I was a pill popper...
I kept in touch with our Invitro counselor and we figured that the implantation would be November 22nd - November 28th. All we had to do was check to see the progress the 'hormones' made.
I had that appointment yesterday and got the results today. They are as follows:
- Follicle count - 2
- FSH - 27
- AMH - below all measurable counts
I honestly cannot tell you why I am so upset at this but I was REALLY upset. To make things worse, I was at work when I got the call with all the results and since I was not expecting them for a week, it pretty much ruined my day. So sorry to my coworker who had the nerve to be decent and ask me how I was. Apparently that was enough to get the tears rolling and I was so embarrassed. Sorry JC.
Anyway, the next steps are to go back to the doctor and figure out why in the world the levels were so much worse this time and in the case of AMH, not improved at all. Thanks for letting me get this off my chest. I'll write more when I am not in such a blue mood. Please send happy thoughts my way. I realize that I am so so lucky and I am so appreciative for everything that I have, I don't mean to sound cranky, I am just frustrated, and broken apparently.
Saturday, May 12, 2012
Second Surgery
After my second surgery and I was feeling better, I started to be able to think that everything was going to be okay. It was nice to be able to do things I wanted without having to worry about what kind of pain I was going to have and if I would be put in a situation that I would be 'stuck'.
Being stuck was the absolute worst part about the pain I was normally in. There were times I would be at work and literally could not move. The way I can describe it is if you picture yourself sitting at your desk and someone comes in and ties a barb wire to keep you in one position from inside your belly and the slightest move starts the wire turning and tearing. Sometimes it lasts 20 minutes, sometimes it lasts an hour or more. The times it took more than an hour were the times I called the hospital. The only pain I was in after my second surgery was before and during my still heavy cycles. Trust me, after constant endo pain I can deal with 3 - 5 days of extreme pain gladly.
It was then that Dr. B and I started trying to slow the endo and give my body a break again. Over the next two years I can't tell you how many patches, pills and hormones we tried. All having some sort of estrogen in them and nothing worked. *we now know that endo tends to be fueled by estrogen, had we found out 8 - 10 years ago, it would not have changed my story, but hopefully now no one is being given added doses of estrogen as a treatment* Since nothing was working and my pain was being managed, I took some time off of trying anything and did not even see Dr. B for a while.
A year later, I knew the endo was back but it was pissed and had a vengeance I did not know possible. The normal stuck & tearing fun was there but it was joined by a ripping localized fury that was where my one remaining ovary was. This was not expected and sent me calling Dr. B in tears and fortunately, they were able to get me in where we started all over again.
Being stuck was the absolute worst part about the pain I was normally in. There were times I would be at work and literally could not move. The way I can describe it is if you picture yourself sitting at your desk and someone comes in and ties a barb wire to keep you in one position from inside your belly and the slightest move starts the wire turning and tearing. Sometimes it lasts 20 minutes, sometimes it lasts an hour or more. The times it took more than an hour were the times I called the hospital. The only pain I was in after my second surgery was before and during my still heavy cycles. Trust me, after constant endo pain I can deal with 3 - 5 days of extreme pain gladly.
It was then that Dr. B and I started trying to slow the endo and give my body a break again. Over the next two years I can't tell you how many patches, pills and hormones we tried. All having some sort of estrogen in them and nothing worked. *we now know that endo tends to be fueled by estrogen, had we found out 8 - 10 years ago, it would not have changed my story, but hopefully now no one is being given added doses of estrogen as a treatment* Since nothing was working and my pain was being managed, I took some time off of trying anything and did not even see Dr. B for a while.
A year later, I knew the endo was back but it was pissed and had a vengeance I did not know possible. The normal stuck & tearing fun was there but it was joined by a ripping localized fury that was where my one remaining ovary was. This was not expected and sent me calling Dr. B in tears and fortunately, they were able to get me in where we started all over again.
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
First Surgery
So after my first surgery in May of 2003, I thought I would be feeling great. I was so looking forward to getting my energy back. I can't tell you how depressing it is to be in your early 20's and never want to do anything because you are in pain or because you don't know when your next episode of not being able to move will be. Urg. So annoying. I had my whole summer planned: I was going to the pool at my apartment complex every day, attend every party and BBQ I was invited too and get back to working out since I had stopped about the year before. I was not fat but I was not as toned and it was going to bounce right back. Before any of that, I needed to have my follow up and get my clean bill of health and have Dr. Bergstrom help me understand about my endometriosis and the surgery.
So the surgery was a shock to me and to Dr. B as well. He could not believe I had so much endo and that I was completely filled. I mentioned the pictures before and, to me, it looked like someone had taken an old Polaroid and squeezed it so the black ink was every where, all of that could not be inside me.
~So it is important to note at this time that I was 25 and had always mentioned how chronic my pain had been for years, it is not Dr. B's fault that he did not immediately identify what was wrong with me (or any of the other OBGYN's) that would have put me at a teenager when it started. We know now based on the pictures that is exactly what happened but that is almost unheard of. I can see that now but let me tell ya, I was pissed for a few years after that.~ If someone actually reads this and then they happen to be in their teens, don't automatically assume the worst. Just ensure you are clearly able to communicate what is going on with you and keep a pain journal. I did not do this initially but over the last few years it has been a lifesaver.~
He let me know that while he got a lot of it, there was still a lot left and it had done some damage to my reproductive organs. Our next steps are to 1) try and slow or stop the endo 2) see how much damage had been done.
The first step was to put me into medical menopause with Lupron. It is a shot that shuts down your ovaries and cycle. I was not thrilled with the idea of it but decided to try it and hope for the best. Honestly, the loom of trying to figure out the damage was much tougher to think about. The best I can say about the shot was it only lasted three months. Menopause at 25 sucks and being thrown into it in one dr. visit is no easy ride on your body. Hot flashes, oy.... they are no joke.
Figuring out the damage done was less of a joke and literally a pain. After more tests than I can remember and how painful they were we found out that both of my tubes and my left ovary were completely 'dead'. A second surgery, a laporotomy, was needed to remove my ovary, both tubes, the remaining endo and clear up any adhesion's. We scheduled for August, three months after my first surgery. The good news was after that surgery, I really was feeling a lot better.
Up until now, I had been feeling a little better since the surgery from a pain perspective but I was dealing with the effects of Lupron so I still felt cranky, hot and uncomfortable. After the August surgery I had energy and was doing good. Prior to the surgery Dr. B had let me know that if we did this, there would be no chance of me getting pregnant on my own. We essentially already knew this because my tubes were 100% filled with endometriosis but the surgery makes everything final. Honestly, I was feeling so bad I did not care before my surgery and I was only 26 and not thinking about kids. I go back and forth from time to time and think I should not have done it but I know my tubes were dead and the US does not do tubal transplants (not that they are successful in any other country) but IVF would be in my future no matter what. It still sucks and as irony loves to jump in, after being released from the hospital the TV was on to Father of the Bride 2.. the one that shows he has a baby and a grand baby. For some reason it hit me then. That was a little tough to watch.
So the surgery was a shock to me and to Dr. B as well. He could not believe I had so much endo and that I was completely filled. I mentioned the pictures before and, to me, it looked like someone had taken an old Polaroid and squeezed it so the black ink was every where, all of that could not be inside me.
~So it is important to note at this time that I was 25 and had always mentioned how chronic my pain had been for years, it is not Dr. B's fault that he did not immediately identify what was wrong with me (or any of the other OBGYN's) that would have put me at a teenager when it started. We know now based on the pictures that is exactly what happened but that is almost unheard of. I can see that now but let me tell ya, I was pissed for a few years after that.~ If someone actually reads this and then they happen to be in their teens, don't automatically assume the worst. Just ensure you are clearly able to communicate what is going on with you and keep a pain journal. I did not do this initially but over the last few years it has been a lifesaver.~
He let me know that while he got a lot of it, there was still a lot left and it had done some damage to my reproductive organs. Our next steps are to 1) try and slow or stop the endo 2) see how much damage had been done.
The first step was to put me into medical menopause with Lupron. It is a shot that shuts down your ovaries and cycle. I was not thrilled with the idea of it but decided to try it and hope for the best. Honestly, the loom of trying to figure out the damage was much tougher to think about. The best I can say about the shot was it only lasted three months. Menopause at 25 sucks and being thrown into it in one dr. visit is no easy ride on your body. Hot flashes, oy.... they are no joke.
Figuring out the damage done was less of a joke and literally a pain. After more tests than I can remember and how painful they were we found out that both of my tubes and my left ovary were completely 'dead'. A second surgery, a laporotomy, was needed to remove my ovary, both tubes, the remaining endo and clear up any adhesion's. We scheduled for August, three months after my first surgery. The good news was after that surgery, I really was feeling a lot better.
Up until now, I had been feeling a little better since the surgery from a pain perspective but I was dealing with the effects of Lupron so I still felt cranky, hot and uncomfortable. After the August surgery I had energy and was doing good. Prior to the surgery Dr. B had let me know that if we did this, there would be no chance of me getting pregnant on my own. We essentially already knew this because my tubes were 100% filled with endometriosis but the surgery makes everything final. Honestly, I was feeling so bad I did not care before my surgery and I was only 26 and not thinking about kids. I go back and forth from time to time and think I should not have done it but I know my tubes were dead and the US does not do tubal transplants (not that they are successful in any other country) but IVF would be in my future no matter what. It still sucks and as irony loves to jump in, after being released from the hospital the TV was on to Father of the Bride 2.. the one that shows he has a baby and a grand baby. For some reason it hit me then. That was a little tough to watch.
The beginning of the endo nightmare
So I guess I'll start at the beginning, medically speaking.
When I was 24 I could no longer deal with the pain I was having. When I tell you it was horrible that is likely an understatement. There were times I literally could not move. When endo is at it's worst you feel as if something is tearing through you from your abdomen through your back. I live just south of Denver and kept switching OBGYN's because they never saw anything wrong with me. On top of hearing I am crazy or being told I just need to understand that cramps can be uncomfortable, every three weeks I would be completely debilitated and more often than not, end up in the hospital.
~~~Some comments on going to a hospital with abdominal pain~~~
Once they ensure your not having appendicitis, they will never believe you are in enough pain to actually be in the hospital. You will be viewed as either a wimp, an attention getter or worse yet a pain medicine addict. If you are in pain that keeps you from moving, you need to go to the hospital but if you find out that you have endometriosis, PCOS or general Fibroid/Cysts you can continue to go but by then, hopefully you would have found a good doctor who you can call and get further direction from for next steps. Hospitals (in my own opinion) are expensive, uncaring and will do nothing long term. There will be times your doctor will send you to the hospital anyway and you will more clearly be able to explain your situation which will add some credibility to you. All the hospital will ever do is temporarily relieve your pain. Unfortunately, they will never see you and investigate enough to actually tell you what is wrong.
Anyway, I knew that there was something wrong that was gynecological. My pain was clearly on a cycle (every three weeks, come on) and my actual periods were rediculous. Extremely heavy flow, severe cramping (that at times would immobilize me as well) and I would be bloated two or three sizes for about 4 days a month. To me it seemed logical but not to any of the doctors I went too. That year, I went to 9 different OBGYN's. Finally, I went to one at South Denver OBGYN and met Roy Bergstrom. He was very nice and listened but told me it did not appear to be gynecological and he referred me to a general internist.
I met with the internist Dr. B referred me to and after a non-thorough exam, he said he could do nothing for me, that it sounded gynecological. I cannot tell you my emotions at that point but I literally lost it, right there in his office in front of him. I just was so frustrated and mad. All these doctors told me I was wrong and stupid and this guy was telling me there is really nothing wrong with me. I could not believe it, I was actually crazy and my crazy was causing me pain I could not deal with. How do you get over that and tell yourself to stop feeling pain???????? I did not know what to do and I was crying so much that I actually could not talk. Oy vie! The dr. clearly was not used to this type of reaction and had no idea what to do. I finally stopped and he told me that if I got an OBGYN to do a surgery with him, he would cut me open but that if they could not find anything, I would need to start looking at other possibilities. I scheduled surgery before I even left and called Dr. B to tell him to be there, honestly I don't even think I asked. This poor OBGYN had the unfortunate luck of being my last OBGYN that year so he won the surgery lottery.
The day of the surgery, both doctors met with me and my mom and estimated a 20 minute surgery would be only for 'the other guy' neither of them were 'really needed'. I woke up from surgery and found out that the surgery had been 5.5 hours long. I was completely filled with endometriosis and I needed both doctors as the endo had been causing me chronic appendicitis. I had not even brought a toothbrush and was being admitted to the hospital. This was by no means what I expected but I could not help feeling relief. My family finally had to believe me and felt awful for not doing so before. OMG, I saw the pictures and it was crazy I was totally black. The first thing Dr. B said was that from now on, I'll be feeling much better. He was right but I was also totally naive, I thought that they cut it all out of me I would be actually better. Now I know how silly that was, Endo does not go away.
When I was 24 I could no longer deal with the pain I was having. When I tell you it was horrible that is likely an understatement. There were times I literally could not move. When endo is at it's worst you feel as if something is tearing through you from your abdomen through your back. I live just south of Denver and kept switching OBGYN's because they never saw anything wrong with me. On top of hearing I am crazy or being told I just need to understand that cramps can be uncomfortable, every three weeks I would be completely debilitated and more often than not, end up in the hospital.
~~~Some comments on going to a hospital with abdominal pain~~~
Once they ensure your not having appendicitis, they will never believe you are in enough pain to actually be in the hospital. You will be viewed as either a wimp, an attention getter or worse yet a pain medicine addict. If you are in pain that keeps you from moving, you need to go to the hospital but if you find out that you have endometriosis, PCOS or general Fibroid/Cysts you can continue to go but by then, hopefully you would have found a good doctor who you can call and get further direction from for next steps. Hospitals (in my own opinion) are expensive, uncaring and will do nothing long term. There will be times your doctor will send you to the hospital anyway and you will more clearly be able to explain your situation which will add some credibility to you. All the hospital will ever do is temporarily relieve your pain. Unfortunately, they will never see you and investigate enough to actually tell you what is wrong.
Anyway, I knew that there was something wrong that was gynecological. My pain was clearly on a cycle (every three weeks, come on) and my actual periods were rediculous. Extremely heavy flow, severe cramping (that at times would immobilize me as well) and I would be bloated two or three sizes for about 4 days a month. To me it seemed logical but not to any of the doctors I went too. That year, I went to 9 different OBGYN's. Finally, I went to one at South Denver OBGYN and met Roy Bergstrom. He was very nice and listened but told me it did not appear to be gynecological and he referred me to a general internist.
I met with the internist Dr. B referred me to and after a non-thorough exam, he said he could do nothing for me, that it sounded gynecological. I cannot tell you my emotions at that point but I literally lost it, right there in his office in front of him. I just was so frustrated and mad. All these doctors told me I was wrong and stupid and this guy was telling me there is really nothing wrong with me. I could not believe it, I was actually crazy and my crazy was causing me pain I could not deal with. How do you get over that and tell yourself to stop feeling pain???????? I did not know what to do and I was crying so much that I actually could not talk. Oy vie! The dr. clearly was not used to this type of reaction and had no idea what to do. I finally stopped and he told me that if I got an OBGYN to do a surgery with him, he would cut me open but that if they could not find anything, I would need to start looking at other possibilities. I scheduled surgery before I even left and called Dr. B to tell him to be there, honestly I don't even think I asked. This poor OBGYN had the unfortunate luck of being my last OBGYN that year so he won the surgery lottery.
The day of the surgery, both doctors met with me and my mom and estimated a 20 minute surgery would be only for 'the other guy' neither of them were 'really needed'. I woke up from surgery and found out that the surgery had been 5.5 hours long. I was completely filled with endometriosis and I needed both doctors as the endo had been causing me chronic appendicitis. I had not even brought a toothbrush and was being admitted to the hospital. This was by no means what I expected but I could not help feeling relief. My family finally had to believe me and felt awful for not doing so before. OMG, I saw the pictures and it was crazy I was totally black. The first thing Dr. B said was that from now on, I'll be feeling much better. He was right but I was also totally naive, I thought that they cut it all out of me I would be actually better. Now I know how silly that was, Endo does not go away.
Frustrated and Infertile
Okay, so I have never read a blog and I am not sure how to start. I feel I need a release because I am so frustrated and upset and I don't want to bring people down around me anymore. Recently, since I have started talking about my frustration and anger at not being able to have a baby there are a lot of people out there. I also saw the Giuliana and Bill show and cannot watch it without crying. I found myself thinking, man, if I could just talk to her and have someone else to empathise with, I would feel so much better.
My history starts with the painful and evil endometriosis so I essentially spent 16 - 25 feeling like a crazy hypochondriac which, even after 10 years, does not go away. You always feel like no one will believe you or think you are a big baby so that is why it is so important for me to get this off my chest.
It seems that now IVF may be an option (yeah!!!! a few years ago, it was not really viable) and before we get further down the process, I need to have a positive attitude (and no longer just portray one, although I fear I have not been doing that very well lately either) inside and out. My hope is that having a blog to shout out how I am feeling, will help get me mentally where I need to be. I also hope that the people I share this with will have a better understanding of my perspective on this whole pile of dog doo.
My history starts with the painful and evil endometriosis so I essentially spent 16 - 25 feeling like a crazy hypochondriac which, even after 10 years, does not go away. You always feel like no one will believe you or think you are a big baby so that is why it is so important for me to get this off my chest.
It seems that now IVF may be an option (yeah!!!! a few years ago, it was not really viable) and before we get further down the process, I need to have a positive attitude (and no longer just portray one, although I fear I have not been doing that very well lately either) inside and out. My hope is that having a blog to shout out how I am feeling, will help get me mentally where I need to be. I also hope that the people I share this with will have a better understanding of my perspective on this whole pile of dog doo.
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